Advertiser Disclosure: rich & REGULAR is a member of affiliate marketing programs and may receive commission in exchange for promoting products and services.
One of my guilty pleasures during the pandemic was reading a 15-part series on Vox entitled Hindsight 2070 where they asked experts, “What do we do now that will be considered unthinkable in 50 years?”
When I came across the stuff we already talk about like working for bosses, flaunting wealth, and banking on traditional retirement dates, I can’t help but imagine my silver-haired self in the year 2070 whispering “I told yo azz” to any and everyone who will listen. But the one idea from the article that has stuck with me is the idea that in 50 years, we’ll look back and cringe at our belief that humans could be fully rational, objective beings.
And look, I know it’s petty, but I get so hype about the fact that I don’t have to wait until 2070. I can scream “I TOLD YO AZZ” right now. Not just because in the last year I’ve witnessed the kind of irrational behavior that causes toilet paper and gas shortages, but because we’ve been saying this for a while now. Our collective obsession with rationality isn’t just a barrier to financial literacy, it prohibits us from making structural critiques.
Though the math itself is simple, we've never thought of Financial Independence purely as a number because what we do with our money is a more reliable indicator of our freedom than how much we have. Click To TweetWhen Julien quit his job in 2018, it wasn’t because we’d perfected the practice of dollar-cost-averaging, it was because we had “I don’t have to take this shit” money. When I left my job last year, it wasn’t because we’d mastered a yield-shield, it was because we finally had “because I can” money. And now, most recently, we decided to move my mother-in-law out of Senior Housing and subsidize her rent because we have “it’s worth it” money. And it took us nearly a decade of paying down debt, living well-below our means and investing wisely to get here.
If you’ve been reading our blog for a while, you’re familiar with her story. In short, she’s among the millions of Americans whose finances were devastated by the 2008 recession. Her home value was decimated and when the job market took a tumble, she needed to tap into her retirement plans early. With her investments depleted, she wasn’t able to benefit from the post-recession recovery and became financially insecure. At that point, shortly after we met, Julien realized his financial plan was ultimately going to be her safety net.
Family is my religion
I knew from the very beginning of our relationship that our shared definition of ‘family’ and family support would always be a gray area. We each brought different experiences and support models to the table, so the concept of family and the role we played within it would need to be revisited regularly. We even started using the term ‘framily’ to make it even more expansive and inclusive of the meaningful friendships we have.
So during our wedding ceremony, we made sure the opening prayer captured our commitment. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was filled with gratitude as our officiant Mrs. Marilyn, read the first line…
“Wonderful God, you created us in your love. You created a family to love and to be loved by.”
I’ve watched women build families that extend beyond blood relationships my entire life. Not only have I benefitted from their superpowers, I’d studied their care and consciousness for decades.
Bring us closer to you and to each other, so there can be more caring and sharing...more healing and helping,”...
she said in her Nawlins southern drawl. We wanted our wedding to be a vessel for healing, and it seemed to be working because with each line from her prayer, we could hear the Amens humming from the crowd. She ended with a final divine request and that was the moment I knew the same care and consciousness I’d seen demonstrated my whole life would become my religion. She said…
“help us to realize EACH day that we belong to a family.
Financial Intervention
We had our first financial ‘intervention’ with his Mom in 2016, shortly after we got married. We hadn’t started blogging yet, we were just beginning to have conversations about expanding our family and she was obviously a huge part of our planning process. The interventions would continue for the next 6 years. That first one was about her debt and retirement. The next was about eventually selling her home and using the equity to rebuild her nest-egg, and this most recent one was about her mental health and happiness.
After she sold her home in 2019, she moved into a Senior housing facility in her old neighborhood. It wasn’t great, but it was good enough. She got the double-benefit of being near the community she’d spent 19 years building relationships within, and affordable housing because she qualified for a subsidized-rent program due to her income. Unfortunately when the pandemic hit in 2020, none of the amenities she’d learned to love were available to her. At first, she told herself it was ok because that’s what she could afford, but after over a year of near-solitude, she’d underestimated the impact it was having on her overall wellbeing. So, we decided to step in.
In March 2021, we moved her into our neighborhood which is a suburb right outside of Atlanta. She’s now walking distance from us in a bright apartment with a balcony that overlooks a beautiful courtyard. She’s surrounded by parks, shops, grocery stores and is steps away from the neighborhood community center that regularly hosts activities for senior citizens. In 2018, our city was voted by Money magazine as one of the best places to live and we couldn’t agree more. Most importantly, she’s minutes from her adorable best friend who also happens to be her grandson.
Her new place is the nicest home she’s ever lived in and naturally, twice as expensive as her old place but we handle that—because we can and because it’s worth it. But the decision to step in at this time wasn’t one that came easily. Arriving here took over a year of arguments, tense holidays and bad analogies as I was trying to get Julien to understand how my definition of responsibility for family had changed now that I’d become a mother. His pushback wasn’t unfounded. We are in fact, bootstrapping our business, in the process of launching a second one, our income is inconsistent, and we had financial plans based on timelines that felt achievable.
The process of finding common ground created conflict and there was a lot of it. But it was conflict worth having because it revealed where we were using the fantasy of control as a coping mechanism. It also revealed where our imagination was lacking. One of my favorite authors, Mia Birdsong, once said…
"Without accessible, celebrated models of what happiness, purpose, connection and love look like outside the American Dream model, we are pulled in toward it.” ~Mia Birdsong, How We Show Up Click To Tweet
As Julien and I went back and forth trying to determine whether or not we could afford to act now, the mere act of delay felt like a violation of my moral code. And given the role we know we play as role models to many, we decided to trust in our abilities and press forward using the same creativity and resilience that got us to where we are.
Navigating the struggle
We recently shared an update to her story and our decision to start providing more financial support on Instagram and the response was overwhelming. We got several requests to talk about it more on a podcast episode and so we did. It was our most vulnerable episode yet as we shared some of the conflict that led to the gradual acceptance of what we needed to do.
That’s the thing about these ‘interventions’. While I wish they were as simple as reality-TV makes it seem, the cold truth is each of these confrontations stretch over long periods of time and are filled with tense moments. If you’re going through something similar, I encourage you to listen to the podcast episode despite the fact that it doesn’t contain a magic answer or quick hack. We’ve even dedicated an entire episode of our video series Money on the Table to the subject so that people can visualize what it looks like to talk about money with your parents. And guess what? It’s also inconclusive…like I told yo azz!
The moral of the story is; math has rules and life doesn’t care.
This idea of life’s variables remaining constant is necessary for back-of-the-napkin math and bite-sized content, but pursuing a steady state is an unrealistic goal. Imagine believing you were only healthy if the number on the scale never moved for the rest of your life. Or that your partner will always feel the exact same way about you; even after you’ve changed. We’re all wise enough to know that life is far more complex than a simple multiplication problem yet that’s what we sign up for when we reduce Financial Independence to a number. I promise you, we won’t even have to wait 50 years for that to be considered unthinkable.
Estate Planning
Ready to finally have that conversation with a parent? Don’t forget to take the all-too important step of discussing estate planning. With Trust & Will, you can have a will or trust for your loved one set up in minutes. And to make it even easier, they’re offering 15% off if you use the code RICHREGULAR at checkout. Get started today.
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Advertiser Disclosure: rich & REGULAR is a member of affiliate marketing programs and may receive commission in exchange for promoting products and services.
One of my guilty pleasures during the pandemic was reading a 15-part series on Vox entitled Hindsight 2070 where they asked experts, “What do we do now that will be considered unthinkable in 50 years?”
When I came across the stuff we already talk about like working for bosses, flaunting wealth, and banking on traditional retirement dates, I can’t help but imagine my silver-haired self in the year 2070 whispering “I told yo azz” to any and everyone who will listen. But the one idea from the article that has stuck with me is the idea that in 50 years, we’ll look back and cringe at our belief that humans could be fully rational, objective beings.
And look, I know it’s petty, but I get so hype about the fact that I don’t have to wait until 2070. I can scream “I TOLD YO AZZ” right now. Not just because in the last year I’ve witnessed the kind of irrational behavior that causes toilet paper and gas shortages, but because we’ve been saying this for a while now. Our collective obsession with rationality isn’t just a barrier to financial literacy, it prohibits us from making structural critiques.
Though the math itself is simple, we've never thought of Financial Independence purely as a number because what we do with our money is a more reliable indicator of our freedom than how much we have. Click To TweetWhen Julien quit his job in 2018, it wasn’t because we’d perfected the practice of dollar-cost-averaging, it was because we had “I don’t have to take this shit” money. When I left my job last year, it wasn’t because we’d mastered a yield-shield, it was because we finally had “because I can” money. And now, most recently, we decided to move my mother-in-law out of Senior Housing and subsidize her rent because we have “it’s worth it” money. And it took us nearly a decade of paying down debt, living well-below our means and investing wisely to get here.
If you’ve been reading our blog for a while, you’re familiar with her story. In short, she’s among the millions of Americans whose finances were devastated by the 2008 recession. Her home value was decimated and when the job market took a tumble, she needed to tap into her retirement plans early. With her investments depleted, she wasn’t able to benefit from the post-recession recovery and became financially insecure. At that point, shortly after we met, Julien realized his financial plan was ultimately going to be her safety net.
Family is my religion
I knew from the very beginning of our relationship that our shared definition of ‘family’ and family support would always be a gray area. We each brought different experiences and support models to the table, so the concept of family and the role we played within it would need to be revisited regularly. We even started using the term ‘framily’ to make it even more expansive and inclusive of the meaningful friendships we have.
So during our wedding ceremony, we made sure the opening prayer captured our commitment. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was filled with gratitude as our officiant Mrs. Marilyn, read the first line…
“Wonderful God, you created us in your love. You created a family to love and to be loved by.”
I’ve watched women build families that extend beyond blood relationships my entire life. Not only have I benefitted from their superpowers, I’d studied their care and consciousness for decades.
Bring us closer to you and to each other, so there can be more caring and sharing...more healing and helping,”...
she said in her Nawlins southern drawl. We wanted our wedding to be a vessel for healing, and it seemed to be working because with each line from her prayer, we could hear the Amens humming from the crowd. She ended with a final divine request and that was the moment I knew the same care and consciousness I’d seen demonstrated my whole life would become my religion. She said…
“help us to realize EACH day that we belong to a family.
Financial Intervention
We had our first financial ‘intervention’ with his Mom in 2016, shortly after we got married. We hadn’t started blogging yet, we were just beginning to have conversations about expanding our family and she was obviously a huge part of our planning process. The interventions would continue for the next 6 years. That first one was about her debt and retirement. The next was about eventually selling her home and using the equity to rebuild her nest-egg, and this most recent one was about her mental health and happiness.
After she sold her home in 2019, she moved into a Senior housing facility in her old neighborhood. It wasn’t great, but it was good enough. She got the double-benefit of being near the community she’d spent 19 years building relationships within, and affordable housing because she qualified for a subsidized-rent program due to her income. Unfortunately when the pandemic hit in 2020, none of the amenities she’d learned to love were available to her. At first, she told herself it was ok because that’s what she could afford, but after over a year of near-solitude, she’d underestimated the impact it was having on her overall wellbeing. So, we decided to step in.
In March 2021, we moved her into our neighborhood which is a suburb right outside of Atlanta. She’s now walking distance from us in a bright apartment with a balcony that overlooks a beautiful courtyard. She’s surrounded by parks, shops, grocery stores and is steps away from the neighborhood community center that regularly hosts activities for senior citizens. In 2018, our city was voted by Money magazine as one of the best places to live and we couldn’t agree more. Most importantly, she’s minutes from her adorable best friend who also happens to be her grandson.
Her new place is the nicest home she’s ever lived in and naturally, twice as expensive as her old place but we handle that—because we can and because it’s worth it. But the decision to step in at this time wasn’t one that came easily. Arriving here took over a year of arguments, tense holidays and bad analogies as I was trying to get Julien to understand how my definition of responsibility for family had changed now that I’d become a mother. His pushback wasn’t unfounded. We are in fact, bootstrapping our business, in the process of launching a second one, our income is inconsistent, and we had financial plans based on timelines that felt achievable.
The process of finding common ground created conflict and there was a lot of it. But it was conflict worth having because it revealed where we were using the fantasy of control as a coping mechanism. It also revealed where our imagination was lacking. One of my favorite authors, Mia Birdsong, once said…
"Without accessible, celebrated models of what happiness, purpose, connection and love look like outside the American Dream model, we are pulled in toward it.” ~Mia Birdsong, How We Show Up Click To TweetAs Julien and I went back and forth trying to determine whether or not we could afford to act now, the mere act of delay felt like a violation of my moral code. And given the role we know we play as role models to many, we decided to trust in our abilities and press forward using the same creativity and resilience that got us to where we are.
Navigating the struggle
We recently shared an update to her story and our decision to start providing more financial support on Instagram and the response was overwhelming. We got several requests to talk about it more on a podcast episode and so we did. It was our most vulnerable episode yet as we shared some of the conflict that led to the gradual acceptance of what we needed to do.
That’s the thing about these ‘interventions’. While I wish they were as simple as reality-TV makes it seem, the cold truth is each of these confrontations stretch over long periods of time and are filled with tense moments. If you’re going through something similar, I encourage you to listen to the podcast episode despite the fact that it doesn’t contain a magic answer or quick hack. We’ve even dedicated an entire episode of our video series Money on the Table to the subject so that people can visualize what it looks like to talk about money with your parents. And guess what? It’s also inconclusive…like I told yo azz!
The moral of the story is; math has rules and life doesn’t care.
This idea of life’s variables remaining constant is necessary for back-of-the-napkin math and bite-sized content, but pursuing a steady state is an unrealistic goal. Imagine believing you were only healthy if the number on the scale never moved for the rest of your life. Or that your partner will always feel the exact same way about you; even after you’ve changed. We’re all wise enough to know that life is far more complex than a simple multiplication problem yet that’s what we sign up for when we reduce Financial Independence to a number. I promise you, we won’t even have to wait 50 years for that to be considered unthinkable.
Estate Planning
Ready to finally have that conversation with a parent? Don’t forget to take the all-too important step of discussing estate planning. With Trust & Will, you can have a will or trust for your loved one set up in minutes. And to make it even easier, they’re offering 15% off if you use the code RICHREGULAR at checkout. Get started today.
3 Comments
-
on May 15, 2021 at 5:51 PM
“the cold truth is each of these confrontations stretch over long periods of time and are filled with tense moments”
This is so true and it’s also true that it’s very much worth learning how to do this together. People so often avoid the conversation at all, or try to go along to get along instead of hashing out the things that are important to them and you end up in a bigger mess than when you started.
Since I did the support of my parents backwards, early in my teens and 20s, I had the experience of doing it all wrong. We have my partner’s parent, and dear friends (chosen family) aging without biological children to pick up the reins for them, I expect that we’ll need to make some similar decisions about how to adjust our lives to care for our elders in this coming decade as well. I’m not going to wait until it’s on us to open the conversation though!
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on May 24, 2021 at 12:46 AM
Wow this topic really hit home for me. I live in Honolulu, Hawaii and my parents live in Colorado. Due to the pandemic I haven’t seen them in over a year. They have also been greatly affected by the isolation and loss of social activities. They told me that I’m the executor of their estate but God forbid anything should happen, I wouldn’t even know where to start. This was a great reminder that pursuing financial independence can and should be a family effort. In Hawaii we have a saying, “Ohana means that no one gets left behind.” These tough conversations need to happen.
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on February 21, 2023 at 9:06 AM
Your recent post on “Coping with the Decision to Financially Support a Parent” is a powerful and thought-provoking read. Many people find themselves in a similar situation and struggle to navigate the complex emotions and financial implications that come with supporting a parent.
Your emphasis on the importance of setting boundaries and having open communication with both your parent and your partner is especially valuable. It’s essential to ensure that everyone involved is on the same page and understands the financial impact of this decision.
I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability in sharing your personal experiences and the lessons you’ve learned along the way. Your blog post provides an excellent resource for those facing a similar situation and seeking guidance.
Thank you for sharing such valuable advice and insights.
“the cold truth is each of these confrontations stretch over long periods of time and are filled with tense moments”
This is so true and it’s also true that it’s very much worth learning how to do this together. People so often avoid the conversation at all, or try to go along to get along instead of hashing out the things that are important to them and you end up in a bigger mess than when you started.
Since I did the support of my parents backwards, early in my teens and 20s, I had the experience of doing it all wrong. We have my partner’s parent, and dear friends (chosen family) aging without biological children to pick up the reins for them, I expect that we’ll need to make some similar decisions about how to adjust our lives to care for our elders in this coming decade as well. I’m not going to wait until it’s on us to open the conversation though!
Wow this topic really hit home for me. I live in Honolulu, Hawaii and my parents live in Colorado. Due to the pandemic I haven’t seen them in over a year. They have also been greatly affected by the isolation and loss of social activities. They told me that I’m the executor of their estate but God forbid anything should happen, I wouldn’t even know where to start. This was a great reminder that pursuing financial independence can and should be a family effort. In Hawaii we have a saying, “Ohana means that no one gets left behind.” These tough conversations need to happen.
Your recent post on “Coping with the Decision to Financially Support a Parent” is a powerful and thought-provoking read. Many people find themselves in a similar situation and struggle to navigate the complex emotions and financial implications that come with supporting a parent.
Your emphasis on the importance of setting boundaries and having open communication with both your parent and your partner is especially valuable. It’s essential to ensure that everyone involved is on the same page and understands the financial impact of this decision.
I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability in sharing your personal experiences and the lessons you’ve learned along the way. Your blog post provides an excellent resource for those facing a similar situation and seeking guidance.
Thank you for sharing such valuable advice and insights.